Is yours a happy marriage? How positive or negative is your relationship? Do you think your marriage is better or worse than most?
A recent CNN article entitled What’s fueling Bible Belt divorces, based on recently released US Census Bureau statistics about marriages and divorces, cites some interesting statistics and also makes some interesting speculations.
The bottom line statistics are these: people in most US southern states, which are home to the highest percentages of Christians in the country, are more likely than the rest of the country to marry and also to get a divorce.
Those are facts…and they are interesting facts. But let’s clear up a few things about the article. First, no statistics are cited to explain why southerners are more likely to marry or divorce – only speculation is offered. Second, erroneous speculations are offered…yes, the article suggests a reason for the northeast’s lower divorce rates that has actually been shown through research to have a negative impact on marital outcome (i.e., correlates to higher divorce rates.) So let’s talk about that for a minute.
The “Living Together” Cohabitation Effect
The article cites “a married mother of two girls [who] made many decisions that could keep her 13-year marriage strong. She finished college, explored different careers, dated a few different men and lived with one boyfriend before figuring out what she wanted in a mate.” The author might be understood to say that living together, or cohabitation, before marriage is a way to make marriage successful. Many marriage therapists will say that living together before marriage will yield lower odds of divorce because one gets to “try it out” to see if it will work with the person. Really?
Actually the stats are pretty clear. Living together before marriage provides no identified benefits to subsequent marriage. In fact, when a couple decides to live together before they are engaged, they are likely to suffer significantly higher negativity in their marriage, enjoy less positive elements in marriage, and have a higher risk of divorce (Kline, et al., 2004; Rhoades, et al., 2009; Stanley, et al., 2010).
Values and Behavior
If you want the real money quote, here it is. Quoting a George Washington University law professor, the author says, “‘There’s a moral crisis in red states that’s produced by higher divorce rates and the disparity between parental values and behavior of young adults,’ said Cahn. ‘There is enormous tension between moral values and actual practices.'” There it is. Professed values are different than practiced values. The behaviors of “the Bible Belt” don’t seem to match the moral values they profess.
The point is well taken. Examining one’s behaviors in light of values can be a difficult, enlightening, and sometimes humiliating undertaking. To do so takes a ruthless commitment to honesty. But if your marriage is in trouble, considering the influence your professed values might have on your next steps could be helpful.
Building a Healthy Marriage is about Building Friendship
OK, so that’s a lot of statistics-speak. What does it actually mean? Well, regardless of where you live, if you want your marriage to be strong and healthy, you need to work to make it that way. Good marriages don’t make themselves. John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that growing the friendship between spouses is key to a successful marriage. It means getting to know each other, learning to turn toward and be influenced by each other, learning how to resolve differences and hear each others’ hearts and dreams. Sounds simple, right? But if yours is one of the marriages that is teetering on the brink of becoming a statistic, those simple things can feel like an insurmountable mountain. Perhaps marriage therapy can help you pull back from the brink.
Photo by Makena Zayle Gadient used under Creative Commons License