In a previous post, How Family Problems Develop, I described the factors that are present as problems develop in the family. Two paths exist once a problem is in place. Either the problem (and the family) get better or they don’t. But what is it that keeps problems around and even makes them worse?

Ingredients that Keep Families from Healing

A number of factors have been identified that keep families from healing when problems hit:

• Pop-Psychology Explanations and Medical Assumptions

  Now, let’s be clear from the outset – I’m not anti-medicine nor anti-“self improvement”. However, in the study reviewed, things stayed the same or got worse when a family locked on to either pop-psychology explanations or gravitated toward a simple medical diagnosis. In other words, they failed to see the forest for the trees. When a family is feeling overwhelmed, sometimes they just want someone to “tell us what to do.” They want quick, easy solutions. So they settle for simplistic perspectives rather than stepping back and thinking about the family as a whole. A family whose problems continue to get worse, for instance, may be seeing their daughter’s changes of behavior as ADHD rather than realizing that the way she is acting is the result of marital conflict.

• Unable to Consider Alternatives

  Seeing only limited explanations for events has already been cited as part of how problems develop. The inability to consider other explanations continues in families whose problems persist. Escalating problems seem to stretch the family’s capacity further, causing them to cling to the explanations they’ve already developed – even when those explanations are not helpful.

• Criticism from Extended Family

  Problems get worse when others around the family – extended family, friends, faith community, etc. – pile on negative, critical input. The parents spiral into self-doubt, feeling that they “got it all wrong.”

• Cultural Pressure

  Our culture tends to hold an underlying assumption that moms are more responsible for children than are dads. So, when a family problem includes a child who is out of control or acting out in some way, moms tend to experience an implied sense of greater responsibility. For instance, families experiencing problems with kids more often self-identified mom as being too “soft” than dad being too harsh.

• “Bad Luck”

  Sometimes, bad stuff keeps happening, adding pressure to an already stressed and stretched family. Combined with the above factors, the “bad luck” keeps the family from healing and even makes things worse.

Related Posts:
1. How Family Problems Develop
2. How Family Problems Get Worse

Photo by Jo Blonde used under Creative Commons License
Source:
Dallos, R., & Hamilton-Brown, L. (2000). Pathways to problems-an exploratory study of how problems evolve vs dissolve in families. Journal of Family Therapy, 22(4), 375.